GCWOOZ.MSG

{100}{}{You see a tall ghoul with long hair.} {101}{}{You see Wooz.} {102}{}{You see an extremely tall and lanky ghoul with long hair.} {110}{}{I am Wooz. What do you want?} {111}{}{What do you want now? Are you dumb?} {112}{}{Hello. What do you want?} {113}{}{Booze, Wooz.} {114}{}{What do you do here?} {115}{}{Tell me about this place.} {116}{}{Have you ever heard of something called a Garden of Eden Creation Kit?} {117}{}{I don’t want anything from you. Goodbye.} {120}{}{I just told you that every Vault has one. Does this look like a Vault to you? Are you dumb? Why are you looking for a GECK here? Try a Vault. } {121}{}{Where is the nearest Vault?} {122}{}{I’ll show you dumb. Talking to me like that is dumb. I’m the Chosen One, you know.} {123}{}{Uh, well, I was going to… and I thought you might… oh, never mind. Goodbye.} {130}{}{A Garden of Eden Creation Kit? You mean the device included with every vault that is supposed to be used when the people leave the vault in order to reestablish civilization?} {131}{}{Yes! That’s it! Where can I find one?} {132}{}{Uh, no, I meant some other Garden of Eden Creation Kit.} {140}{}{I run this place. Are you dumb? I sell drinks, trade for things, tell stories, and play Tragic.} {141}{}{What do you want now?} {142}{}{I want a drink.} {143}{}{I want to trade.} {144}{}{Tell stories?} {145}{}{Play Tragic?} {146}{}{I guess I don’t need anything right now. Goodbye.} {150}{}{Trade? I’m always ready to trade Tragic cards. I’ve got a couple of old Vox Mubies, a Black Dahlia, and some Rare Earths.} {151}{}{I suppose you just want to trade stuff, huh?} {152}{}{What the hell are you talking about?} {153}{}{Uh, I don’t know what you’re on, but I hope you have some in inventory to trade.} {154}{}{Yes, I’d like to trade.} {155}{}{Hmm... let me ask you about something else, first.} {156}{}{I don’t need to trade right now. Goodbye.} {160}{}{Not much to tell, really. Just a bunch of ghouls clinging tenaciously to the ass-end of life.} {161}{}{No, I meant tell me about this bar.} {162}{}{Well, that describes a lot of people. Nothing new in that.} {170}{}{You want a drink, huh? Well, we’ve got our very own Gamma Gulp Beer at $5/bottle and, for special occasions, our Roentgen Rum at $12/bottle.} {171}{}{What’ll it be?} {172}{}{Gulp?} {173}{}{I’d like a Gamma Gulp Beer. Is it supposed to glow like that?} {174}{}{This is a special occasion, of a sort. I’d like a bottle of your Roentgen Rum.} {175}{}{I want to buy a round of your fabulous Gamma Gulp Beer for everyone here.} {176}{}{Uh uh, goodbye.} {180}{}{You don’t have enough money. Are you dumb?} {181}{}{Umb?} {182}{}{Oops. Sorry. Let me buy something else.} {183}{}{Okay, let me ask you a question, then.} {184}{}{I guess I am dumb. Sorry. Let me ask you something else.} {185}{}{Dumb? Talking like that to me is pretty stupid, pal. You might just hurt yourself that way. Goodbye.} {186}{}{Sorry. Goodbye.} {190}{}{You want to buy a round of drinks for everyone here? You must really be hard up for friends. That’ll cost you $35.} {191}{}{Cost is no object, my good man. I’d like a round of drinks for everyone here, Wooz.} {192}{}{Wooz, old chum, I want to buy a drink for all my friends here. These guys are the greatest.} {193}{}{Wooz, com’ere... theesh guys are the besht friends a person could ever have. Gimme another round for all my friends.} {194}{}{Wooz! Gimme another round for all o’ my pals. Theesh guys are the best. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Group hug!} {195}{}{On second thought, I must have a hole in my head for wanting to buy drinks for a bunch of rotting zombies.} {196}{}{I guess I’d rather just buy a drink for myself.} {200}{}{I’ve got this great story. It’s really funny. You see there’s this head, right?} {201}{}{A head?} {202}{}{Uh, I think I’ve heard this one already. I don’t have the time to listen to this now. Goodbye.} {210}{}{Are you dumb? Tragic the Garnering is the most addictive thing since Jet.} {211}{}{It’s like I was saying. Tragic the Garnering is the game to play.} {212}{}{Tell me more about this Tragic the Garnering.} {213}{}{What’s Jet?} {214}{}{I guess I’ll take your word for that. Goodbye.} {220}{}{Hmm, sorry. That’s the only one I know of. By the way, have you seen an apple, lately?} {221}{}{An apple?} {222}{}{I’m too disappointed to talk right now. Goodbye.} {230}{}{I just love apples, but there aren’t many left anywhere. I hardly ever see them.} {231}{}{I didn’t know you were such a fruit fetishist. Tell me something else.} {232}{}{I’ve heard that you could really savor an apple because they were so slow to eat.} {240}{}{Slow?!? You are dumb. Fuck you! Apples are just as fast to eat as any other fruit. Apples rule. If it weren’t for a conspiracy on the part of fruit manufacturers we’d all have apples.} {241}{}{You’re crazed, aren’t you? I think you’ve been sampling too much of your own brew here. Tell me about something else.} {242}{}{Oh, yes... apples really are wonderful. (you back away slowly) Yes, that’s right. Good Wooz, easy there. Goodbye.} {250}{}{I think we were able to come to an understanding. Need anything else?} {251}{}{Actually, I think there is something else that I could use. } {252}{}{That’s all the trading I want to do right now. I do have some questions, though.} {253}{}{I don’t need anything else right now. Goodbye.} {260}{}{Oh, the Chosen One. Oh my, I didn’t realize. I’ll just try to stop shaking long enough to tell you something then. (Wooz smiles) Come closer and I’ll whisper it to you.} {261}{}{Well, that’s more like it. I deserve a little more respect around here.} {262}{}{I’m not getting any closer to you, you scrawny freak. Get away. Goodbye.} {270}{}{Nearest Vault? Gee, I don’t know. Maybe you could ask the people in Vault City where a Vault might be. Vault City’s just south of here. You are dumb, aren’t you?} {271}{}{I knew that. I was just testing you. Gee, Wooz, you’re so smart. Tell me something else.} {272}{}{I am not! You’re the one that’s dumb. I’m leaving. Goodbye.} {280}{}{(Wooz beckons you closer) Let me whisper in your ear…} {281}{}{Okay.} {282}{}{I don’t think so; you’re just trying to eat my brains, aren’t you? I’m leaving. Goodbye.} {290}{}{FUCK YOU!!! Now get out of my bar. Chosen one. Sheesh, what a loser.} {291}{}{I don’t want to stay in your stupid bar, anyway. You didn’t have to yell like that. Goodbye.} {292}{}{That’s it, you fucking leper. Time to give you a little lead inoculation.} {300}{}{Fuck you! You’re dumb. What the hell do you want here?} {301}{}{Uh, I’m really sorry I pissed you off, Mr. Wooz. I just wanted to ask you something.} {302}{}{Fuck me? Fuck you! Your bar sucks. I’m out of here.} {303}{}{Uh, nothing. Sorry, Wooz.} {304}{}{Uh, did I tell you how much I really just love apples?} {310}{}{Really? I didn’t know that. Well, if you love apples, I guess you can’t be all bad. Now, what the hell do you want?} {311}{}{I had some questions for you Wooz.} {320}{}{Zombies? Fuck you! We’re ghouls. Zombies are a type of undead with no free will. Although we share certain physical characteristics -- most notably, the rotting flesh and characteristic morbidity -- we are creatures of free will. Allow me to demonstrate.} {321}{}{Huh?} {330}{}{I am demonstrating my free will by telling you to GET OUT! Damn smoothskin bigot. Go back to Vault City, where you belong.} {331}{}{Ghouls, zombies, who cares? You’re all freaks.} {340}{}{Well, Tragic the Garnering isn’t just a game -- it’s an obsession. Not a cologne, either. Some think that the way it changes a person’s life is tragic, but they just don’t understand.} {341}{}{Uh huh.} {350}{}{Jet’s a drug that comes from New Reno. Were you born yesterday, or are you just dumb?} {351}{}{Oh, that Jet. Well, sure I knew about that. Tell me more about this Tragic the Garnering.} {360}{}{No, really. It’s wonderful. You should play. Just once. The first box of cards is free. A little something from me to you.} {361}{}{Thanks. Hey, these look great. (you tear the wrapping off) Mmm, I just love that smell.} {362}{}{I just say ‘No’ to Tragic. Goodbye.} {370}{}{Hello there. Looks like you’re another Tragic player. Have time for a game? Or are ya yeller? I’m a-callin’ you out.} {371}{}{I really don’t have time for a… well, how long could one little game take…} {372}{}{Sure, just let me… No! Must stop. (your hand reaches for your deck, seemingly of its own volition) Noooooo!} {375}{}{I'd play Tragic with you but it looks like I'm all out of decks.} {376}{}{Wait until next week I'll put together a deck that can't be beat.} {377}{}{You took some of my best cards. I hate this game!}

{380}{}{That’s just the first part. Now that you’re one of us, want to play a game?} {381}{}{Sure, but you’re going to have to show me how.} {382}{}{I don’t think I really have time for that right now. Let me ask you something, though.} {383}{}{I’d love to stay and trade Tragic cards with you, but I’ve got things to do. You know, in real life? Goodbye.} {390}{}{Well, it’s simple, really. Even someone dumb can understand it. First, you build a play deck out of the cards that you have, and then you…} {391}{}{Uh, huh. You say you deal to the third player unless it’s Thursday? OK, I think I’ve got it now. Let’s play.} {392}{}{Maybe I’ll play later. Thanks for telling me how, though. Goodbye.} {400}{}{You won? Fuck you! I need a ruling on that. You just got lucky, this time. This deck of mine just didn’t work. I’ve got to build a better one.} {401}{}{Thanks for the cards, Wooz. And I thought you knew how to play this game? I guess you’re dumb.} {402}{}{Well, them’s the breaks, Wooz. Goodbye.} {410}{}{I won! Fuck you! You are dumb. I have crushed you. Now I can build an even better deck with your cards.} {411}{}{Uh, yeah. You won. Goodbye.} {412}{}{What a surprise. Well, at least I didn’t have to listen to one of your stories. Goodbye.} {420}{}{No time at all. Let’s go. I’ve got a new deck that I want to try.} {421}{}{Okay. Have at you, then.} {422}{}{No, I must resist the siren’s call. Get thee behind me, Tragic! Must ask something else.}

{430}{}{I know what you mean. I can stop anytime I want. Just not today.} {431}{}{You’re not kidding. Actually, I wanted to ask you about something else.} {432}{}{Arrrgh! Must leave while I still can. Goodbye.} {440}{}{Well, the Harp’s named after a favorite hangout that I used to have before the war. I guess it’s just a reminder of times past. Sort of a joke on the only way we’re going to get a better deal, too.} {441}{}{Before the war? But that was a long time ago.} {442}{}{Better deal? What do you mean?} {450}{}{That may be so, but not everyone has a city full of lunatics thirsting for their blood.} {451}{}{What do you mean?} {460}{}{It sure was a long time ago. How do you think ghouls are made? You think some of us just got up one fine day and said to ourselves: "Gee, I wonder what it’d be like to have my flesh rotting off my fucking body?"} {461}{}{Well, no, I didn’t. Say, how do you make a ghoul?} {462}{}{You know, I just don’t give a flying fuck what made you that ugly. Goodbye.} {470}{}{Those assholes in Vault City. If anyone’s going to cap us, it’s them. They’re fucking crazed. Anyone’s not just as fucked up in the head as they are and they want to kill them. I’d watch myself around them, if I were you.} {471}{}{Sounds like good advice. I’ll be careful. Let me ask you something, though.} {472}{}{I think they’ve got the right idea. Just a little genetic cleansing. I hope they start with you. Goodbye.} {480}{}{‘Bout the only way us ghouls are going to get an even break is when we’re toting a harp of our own.} {481}{}{I didn’t know that ghouls were especially musical.} {482}{}{Oh, I see. Heh, heh. Let me ask you something.} {490}{}{With silver-bells and cockleshells and… Boy, you are dumb, aren’t you? Severe radiation. That’s how. How do you think? You know, many bombs go boom, flash of light and heat, flesh burns off, but you don’t-quite-die-type severe radiation?} {491}{}{Uh well, I mean…} {500}{}{Well, I didn’t think so. Fuck you very much for bringing back all those intensely painful memories. Asshole. We’re a town of fucking leftovers -— slightly overcooked leftovers.} {501}{}{I prefer medium-rare myself. Hey, let me ask you something else.} {502}{}{Well, I uh, um. Sorry. I’ll just let you wallow in self-pity, then. Goodbye.} {510}{}{Well, usually I just pound on the hollow heads of my customers -— sort of like bongos. How the hell did they ever let you out of your village? You’re a danger to yourself and others.} {511}{}{Bongos?} {520}{}{You fell out of the stupid tree and hit every damn branch on the way down, didn’t you?} {521}{}{Tree? I guess I’m just not hip to your lingo… man. Uh, let me ask you something.}

{530}{}{Yeah, it’s a head. But it’s not attached to a body. You see, it’s been severed.} {531}{}{A severed head. I see. And this becomes entertaining when?} {540}{}{Just hold on a minute. This severed head, you see, it’s in Hell. (hah, hah) And it flies around there, you know, in Hell. And it runs into all kinds of famous people there… (ho, ho, ho)} {541}{}{Wait, a severed head is in Hell, and it flies around…doing what?} {550}{}{Well, it’s doing stuff. (hee, hee) You know. It’s got, things that it wants to do, or maybe things it's forced to do. The point is, it’s doing stuff, you know, there in Hell. Oh God, (hah, hah, hah) I just can’t stand it!} {551}{}{You kind of obsess about this, don’t you? Hmm. Were you and your mother close? Did you ever have problems with bed-wetting?} {560}{}{No, you just don’t understand. It’s all about a severed head. Get it? Heh, heh, heh, It’s funny! How can you think about a severed head, in Hell of all places, and not laugh?} {561}{}{Wooz, I don’t know you very well, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to. However, I think I can say, without fear of exaggeration, that you need help. Immediate, competent help. } {562}{}{Oh. I see. Why, yes. Of course; that’s very funny. Heh heh. I just can’t contain my amusement… But enough enjoyment -- oh, my splitting sides -- I need to ask you something.} {570}{}{Fuck you! You’re just like all the rest of them. I tell, you it’s hilariously funny. It’s not my fault that you don’t have a sense of humor.} {571}{}{You’re right, Wooz. I guess I’m just not as clever as you are. You’re truly a pearl amongst swine. Now tell me something else.} {572}{}{I have enough of a sense of humor to recognize the absence of one in others. Goodbye.} {600}{}{Are you dumb? I already told you all about Tragic. You must have a really short memory.} {601}{}{See? I told you it was funny. Is there anything else you need?} {700}{}{Are you dumb?} {701}{}{Give me a giant cola!} {702}{}{I need a ruling on that!} {703}{}{Kick me in the jimmy.} {704}{}{Hi, shills.} {705}{}{Fuck you.} {706}{}{I wouldn't shit you on this one.} {707}{}{Let's play Tragic.} {708}{}{I am the worst Tragic player in the world.} {709}{}{STRONG!} {710}{}{I suck at all games.} {711}{}{I am the dumbest person I've ever met.} {712}{}{HATE!!!} {713}{}{Where's the horde a' short women?} {714}{}{Ever seen a grown man NAKED?!}